reflections

The past two weeks have been entirely consumed with researching, writing, and tutorials -- hence the lack of recent posts. But essays have been written, tutorials gotten through, and consequently I am free from work during my last week here in Oxford. Though I am happy to be able to sleep again and not feel the nervous pressure twisting in my stomach, I am also sad to be so close to the end. There is no longer any reason for me to go study in the Taylorian or the Lower Camera. I likely will never have another tutorial in my life. My mind is not overwhelmed with Jane Austen's portrayal of duty and family, Lewis's ideas on getting to heaven and hell, the problem of suffering, or the feminist nature of Jane Eyre. And, likely, I won't have the opportunity to study in such a way, and in such a place, ever again.

But, for the little taste of Oxford that I have been granted I am infinitely thankful. So many times throughout my stay here I felt entirely undeserving of being labeled a student in this city. Next to nearly everyone here I seem to know nothing. My hard work and mediocre brains are no longer sufficient for getting a "well done!" at the bottom of my paper. In casual conversations, words and ideas I am unfamiliar with get thrown around. Intimidating, yes. But not discouraging. Rather, I find it to be an invigorating and inspiring atmosphere. It makes me want to learn more. People are so passionate about what they are learning and studying and that excitement is contagious. And there is a sense here that everyone is, in some form or another, a student. It is truly a community of learning; some are just much farther down the path than others (such as myself).

Being here has also forced me to question what sort of person I am and whether I am doing what it takes to become the sort of person I want to be. If I want to consider myself an avid reader, am I truly reading enough? If I want to consider myself somewhat intellectual, am I immersing myself in the things necessary to become one?

Perhaps I am not. And perhaps this is because I am still not entirely certain what sort of person I want to become. It seems I should know by now but somehow I don't. Switching to HDFS was the right choice; I felt God's affirmation in that decision. But whether or not I want to continue down the path of human services and therapy, I'm not sure. Do I want to go that path or do I want to find my way into the world of the humanities again? Literature is truly what I love. Oxford has certainly reminded me of that. But I also love the idea of being there for people and talking through their problems with them. Where do I go from here? I'm not sure... and I am trying to trust that God will guide me to where he would have me go.

(photo: Trinity Church, C.S. Lewis's home congregation and place of burial)
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