and so it begins...

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This is the place I came home to this evening, after a long day of lectures and seminars. Today marked the first day of morning lectures (plus mid-morning tea) and afternoon seminars. Though I know I will certainly be pushed beyond my normal limits by my tutors, I now feel somewhat confident that I won't get lost amidst the many abstract musings, stunningly intelligent people, and eleven million books surrounding me. Am I intimidated? Most certainly. Am I feeling cognitively lazy and inadequate? Without a doubt.

But I keep reminding myself of Derek's words: it is only by being around people that are smarter than yourself that you begin to truly grow and become smarter.

And, surprisingly, the overwhelming sense of inadequacy is tinged with enjoyment -- and excitement.

through my eyes (#1)

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This is one view of the Bodleian Library, into which we were inducted this morning. We each solemnly promised aloud not to deface the books, not to bring anything injurious to the books into the library (i.e. rubberbands, sticky notes), and promised never to set fire to the libraries. In a room directly to the right of this photo, Shelley was expelled from the University for his publication of the pamphlet The Necessity of Atheism.
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my heart is fixed

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Finally, I have attended an Evensong service. At Christ Church Cathedral (see photo). Other than saying it was glorious and beautiful, I am not sure how to describe it. Everything in the service, except for the Old and New Testament Readings, is sung, in descriptive crescendos and long pauses over certain words. It is an all male choir comprised entirely of young boys who possess amazing sopranos. Each time their voices lifted, filling every corner of the cathedral, shivers ran down my spine.

As I knelt on my little red cushion, I thought about the fleeting nature of beauty. About how those boys' lovely voices will disappear with the onset of manhood. About how when I walked into the courtyard of Christ Church, I somehow could not grab on to it and carry it with me always; it was beyond my grasp somehow. About how the sun sparkling through the windows at the top of the cathedral will soon set.

Then the choir began to sing Psalm 57 and reached verse 7: "My heart is fixed, O God, my heart is fixed: I will sing and give praise." I was reminded that all of the beautiful sights and beautiful experiences are merely glimpses of the one eternal Beauty. Though I want to enjoy and revel in all of the gorgeous sights and opportunities here in Oxford, I want to make certain that I don't fix my heart on that which is fleeting but on that which is constant and forever.
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a beautiful & historied land

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Last night I stood beneath the Radcliffe Camera, gazing up at it through the misty rain while the strains of Bittersweet Symphony drifted around me from a nearby college. I am surely in Oxford, my friends. The beauty of this place, with all of its history and intellectualism, struck me last night, despite the frigidity and rain that left me wet and shivering. Ancient trees. Wildflowers popping their little heads out of stone walls. The ruins of a gate standing tall amidst the bustle of modern shops. The story behind every shop, every stone, every inch of ground in this city.

I feel so very privileged to be here for these next weeks. I don't feel as if I deserve to be in a place so academic, so cultured, so steeped in traditions and rituals I know nothing about. But I am grateful and I intend to make the most of it. Whether or not I measure up to the standards Oxford sets for an A, I am trying not to concern myself with, for I think that merely through trying my hardest and working to squeeze the most out of this experience, I will gain perhaps more than an A on my transcript could provide me.
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From "Rilke's Book of Hours," III, 7

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For we are only the rind and the leaf.

The great death, that each of us carries inside,
is the fruit.

Everything enfolds it.
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recipes I'm keeping

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A couple of recipes I've tried recently that will make their way into my repertoire:

Apple Crisp (Martha Stewart)

Lemon Ricotta Pancakes with Sauteed Apples (Smitten Kitchen)

Italian Panzanella (Martha Stewart)

Cranberry Orange Almond Oatmeal (Joy the Baker)

Enjoy!
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like gold to aery thinness beat

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It's Saturday night. I am sitting at my desk. Even though I have a long to-do list without many check marks on it, and consequently should be busy, I find myself feeling lonely. 

I have made many lovely friends this year, people I connect with, enjoy, and see regularly. But I miss having friends around who will do the little things with me. 

For all of you who aren't here this year, this is what I miss when you're not around:

1. Someone to walk to the Union with me when I want a smoothie, just to keep me company.

2. Someone to watch movies with.

3. Someone who asks me how my day has been.

4. Someone to lean on, someone I can show my vulnerabilities and uncertainties to.

5. Someone to go to church with.

6. Someone to help me unload my car when I arrive back from a weekend at home.

7. Someone who tolerates my goofiness.

8. Someone to tell me Bob stories. 

9. Someone to eat meals with regularly.

10. Someone who is excited to hear what I'm learning in class

11. Someone to study with me at Panera (or perhaps distract me from studying).

12. Someone who will have dance parties with me.

13. Someone to take the trash out with.

14. Someone to comment on my inadvertent cold noises.

15. Someone who leaves sweet little sticky notes on my desk.

16. Someone to cuddle with when I'm having a rough day.

17. Someone who gets as excited about BBC dramas as I do

18. Someone who is excited to see the dances I've choreographed

19. Someone who will go down into the Pit with me when it's dark and spooky.

20. Someone I have a silly little nickname for.

21. Someone to pull all-nighters with.

22. Someone who includes me in almost everything they do.

23. Someone who will mother me when I'm feeling sick.

24. Someone to dance on the raquetball courts with me.

25. Someone to make waffles with in the dining hall.

26. Someone who believes in my abilities and tells me so.

27. Someone who inspires me daily with their faith and desire to become more Christ-like.

28. Someone to give me hugs.

29. Someone to coordinate schedules with.

30. Someone who likes the same kind of music I do.

31. Someone who appreciates my teapot! 

32. Someone to pull pranks on.

33. Someone who also enjoys analyzing books and movies.

34. Someone to encourage me. 

35. Someone to share birthdays with.

36. Someone who understands and affirms my goals and ambitions.

37. Someone to scream into pillows with.

38. Someone to share the sisterhood purse with (it's lonely right now).

39. Someone to have snowball fights with.

40. Someone to jump in muddy puddles with.

41. Someone I can return all of these little favors and kindnesses to. 

You all are loved and missed. I cannot wait to see you all again. 

We endure not yet 

A breach, but an expansion,

Like gold to aery thinness beat

(Donne)

With love,

Amy

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